Morning. Not in to much of a good mood today. I am a little irritated, everything seems to be getting on my nerves this morning. It seems like I have to much to do and not enough me to get it all done. Maybe it is because usually mornings are more of me time than this morning. Everyone was awake when I woke up. Mom had been awake for a while and already made messes that I had to clean up first thing this morning. She will take everything out of her dresser drawers and leave it all in a big pile on the dressers. So I put it back and she walked back in there and took everything back out again. Really?! She will leave used tissues all over the house and I have to go through and pick them up. Yucky! I could go on and on, but I wont. People say its like having a kid but its not. With a child you can teach and educate but with someone with Alzheimer's there is no teaching, no learning. Just constant decline. No progress. No goals to meet. No pride. No improvement. Just sadness. Just declining abilities. Decreased memory. Decreased love from mom to everyone including me. Decreased happiness... I have recently had to start to bath her and that is a difficult thing to do mentally. It seems with every time she declines my heart breaks a little more. Its so hard to see your mother, the strongest woman in the world to me, a superhero in her own right, become so needy, so helpless, so uncaring, so weak. I struggle with compassion.
She is my mom! I love her dearly. I love her unconditionally. I love the soul not the person or the personality. Even when it gets worse and there is no recognizable Mom left in that body, I will love her, I will give her the best possible care I can. I will show her respect and love. Because the soul is the same. The same soul that bathed me as a child, the same that rocked me to sleep, that comforted me when I was hurt, that strengthened me when I was weak. When I get to heaven one day and we are reviewing all my life, all the good things and the bad. One thing I will make sure that is not in the list of bad will be the care of my mother. I will stand proudly and state that with all the gifts that God has given me I have given the best care to mom, the best of my ability. That I have no question about. It will be wrote on my book of life, She loved her mother even unto sickness and death.
I write honestly. I write my feelings. I share these things with you only to be helpful. I hope that these words that I write with honesty and with tearful eyes will be read by those who need them. Those that are in the same situation as I am. And those who know someone who is in the same situation I am, that maybe the friends and family will be more knowledgeable of the struggles and pain felt by a caregiver. And more willing to help, more willing to check in and offer a shoulder to cry on and provide strength that is so dearly needed.
Thank you for reading. I hope to gain strength and compassion as I walk through this difficult season of life.